How To Kill A Cockroach

It is foolhardy to think that to kill a cockroach, you need to slap it with a broom or slipper or pillow.

Haven’t you read or heard that those creatures survive bomb blasts? So what makes you feel that your pillow or soft slippers can comfortably kill a cockroach?

Here are the best two ways and the only ways to successfully kill a cockroach. I shall first give you few tips on how not to kill a cockroach before I proceed to how to kill it.


• INSECTICIDE: As much as we like to feel secure and less murderous by using insecticides on these things, you find out that it does not quite do the trick. Some insecticides are mere perfumes. Be warned!

• BEHEADING: I like to believe that I’m wrong and that cutting a cockroach’s head is the ultimate death penalty. But I have monitored a cockroach survive while headless for days. Now consider this, what if it mates just before it dies or vanishes? What if the kinsmen take it to a hospital and stitch another head to it?

SLIPPER: Yes, I know that girls are soft and are easily scared terribly by the mere colour of a cockroach but using your Gucci slipper? Your bathroom slipper? O wrong naw.

• BROOM: We have unconsciously learned the art of using brooms to kill things from our ancestral and present mothers. Mosquitoes survive broom, what about a cockroach? It can easily maneuver and wriggle its way to safety as you scream and jump and hit. Be warned!!

• WATER: “Excuse me, maa’m, are you seriously trying to drown that motherfucking vermin?” What’s the meaning of that? Flushing it down the pipe and expecting it to drown? Please stopeet! Stopikwa!!!

Now to the main story:

• CRUSHING: After flogging unconsciousness into a cockroach, don’t sigh, relax and applaud yourself for doing a good job. No. No. No. The final ultimate ultimate weapon is by raising your feet, bringing it down on the insect and then crushing it firmly in such a way that the body squashes and disintegrates under the sole of your footwear.

When you hold your foot down on it, you hold it firmly to the ground and drag your leg backwards as strongly as you know how to.

To be sure you have done this successfully, you won’t see the remains when you raise your foot, you instead see a smashed mixture of white and brown.

• ANIMALS: Another way to make sure that a cockroach is completely dead is by using it as food.

If you are not someone that has animals around, you can safeguard it under a tin and wait for the children around.

Alternatively, you can give it a fowl, fish or even a cat. Then you can be sure that the cockroach is resting in a belly and has successfully gone to sleep for eternity.

You now know how to successfully kill a cockroach.

40 thoughts on “How To Kill A Cockroach

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  9. You are evil! The Roach world should beware of this antagonist!

    You have brought destruction on their kind! They might as well go extinct!

    Baby girrrrlllllll! I like your use of hyperbole. Well done

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